


Pulse

by mmmdraco



Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: Community: blind_go, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-17
Updated: 2012-07-17
Packaged: 2017-11-10 04:16:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/462109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mmmdraco/pseuds/mmmdraco
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hikaru's lost inside himself and only Akira can save him. (Blind Go entry - round #4)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pulse

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I mean no harm, I have no money... Stuff like that. Yeah.

He feels as though his lungs are caving in. Everything is throbbing and pounding and everyone is moving around him. It is hot and sweaty and hands are on him and his hands are on them, and then he is pulling at the air, as if trying to swim upward to where the air is again. The lights are flickering and blinking and he feels sweat running down his face. He wipes at it and keeps moving, drawing in gasps of what feels like nothing but heat and humidity and rhythm as the remix of the moment pulses and throbs and reverberates in his spine and he dances with the frenzy of the drugs trying to pump their way through him. Panic is setting in as he longs for enough oxygen to have feeling again. The only thing he knows is the rhythm and the heat and suffocation.

His head falls back and the crack of his neck goes well with the music as someone else touches him, and means to. He is pulled forward, and the thread from his sternum to the ceiling that he's used as a center of balance snaps and he falls forward into arms that are cool and a space he can breathe in. The panic intensifies.

"Touya!" He gasps over teeth that suddenly feel too sharp in his own mouth. He takes a moment to focus his eyes on the other man, then tries to pull away, but his feet are too heavy and Touya's grip is too strong. "Let me go," he says, and regrets it when he feels his knees give way and the panic overwhelms him. He screams and kicks at the legs that surround him and the darkness seeps in and his skin is crawling and he can't breathe and can't think and then the arms are on him again and pulling him up and away and somewhere else that isn't anywhere at all to him. "Shindou."

He looks up at the lips that moved and formed words that meant him and called him and frightened him out of his mind. "Don't. Just -- go away."

"You're on drugs again, aren't you?" Touya holds him and he struggles, and feels everything. His heartbeat is out of sync with the music, now, but it is pounding so loudly in his own ears he can hardly make out the words that Touya is saying, so he looks at the lips. "Sorry," is there, and so is "Please".

He twitches and fights everything. His fingers shake even as he lifts his hands to dig the heels of them into his eye sockets. With the flashing lights on the dance floor, it is like a kaleidoscope exploding. "Leave me alone." He says the words even as he feels a trickle of blood trailing from one nostril. He uses his twitching fingers to wipe at it. But once isn't enough, and neither is twice, and by the time he has worn the skin raw there from his rubbing, his hands are covered in his own blood and he isn't panicking anymore. He is freaking out. "Touya!" He screams and reaches for the other man and takes his hair in his hands and holds it threaded between his fingers. "Help me!"

Touya presses his sleeve to his nose and tilts his head back just slightly. There is no crack this time; only the shrill racing beat of his heart as it tries to climb its way out of him. There is blood in his throat and sobs and he chokes on them and tries to keep it all going down. Touya had always been there, for whatever reason, and that he is here now, when he is needed so fiercely, makes him wonder why he'd been running so hard.

The lights are pulsing slowly now and the trickle of blood down his face is joined by more sweat, and a warmer liquid still. The air is becoming so easy to breathe now that he can feel every breath as it slides past his lips and over his tongue and tickles his throat on the way down. When he breathes back out, he lets it go through the nasal passages where he feels the blood bubble up. He laughs at the feeling of it, but the sound is muted and long. Touya pulls him closer now and everything stops. The lights and rhythm and the bloody nose and the panic and the air are all simply no longer there.

The next breath that he feels enter his mouth makes him gag. Only, on his back like he is, and with nothing within him to void, he only chokes on the noise and the bile and the saliva that hardly wets his tongue. He turns his head to the side and sees a dark blur that starts to come into focus. Touya is asleep in a chair next to him. There is vomit still on his shoulder that he can smell now that he has looked at it, and his hair is glued together in sections that are even darker than his normal black. He goes to reach out for the man, but feels the pull of the tube shoved into his hand. The strange way it distends his skin fascinates him for a moment until he feels the pain there; throbbing. Then his head throbs and his neck and his arms and legs and stomach and everything else. He tries to touch it all; tries to soothe his own aches, but it does nothing but still the feeling for a moment so that the shock of it coming back feels twice as intense. It is like having nails hammered into his body.

Touya shifts in the chair and he holds his breath at the noise. His jaw seems to be on fire and his chest feels like shards of glass are sifting through his lungs and out through his skin. "Touya -"

"Mmm?" The other man looked up through bleary eyes and seemed to disregard the mess on his clothing. "Shindou. You're awake." There is something in his voice other than sleep that he can't quite recognize. "How are you feeling?"

"Go away, Touya." The panic is back, but it isn't quite so bad as before.

There is a moment where the panic pulls him under, but a hand on his pulls him back enough to pull out of it. "Shindou -- When are you going to stop running?"

"I can't. If I stop running, I'll just get hurt again."

"Why do you keep saying that?"

Touya is rubbing the fingers of the hand with the IV and they tingled in a way he couldn't comprehend. "Because everyone who I love leaves me. They catch me, and they kill me."

There is silence, and then there is the rhythm of the other man's voice. "I thought I is the one who was caught. Ever since the first time I saw you dance..." Touya kissed his forehead. "Don't leave me. Ever. That'll kill me."

His eyes burned where the tears leaked out the sides. "If I die, will you die with me?"

"No." He looks up and feels the water pour from his eyes. "Because I won't let you die until I do." He lets his head rest back down on the flimsy hospital pillow.

There is silence, and then there is the steady reminder that he is alive. He feels his heartbeat in his lips as Touya kisses him with a little more pressure than he is accustomed.


End file.
